Virtute.org

This election was a tough one for me, but I still want to record my thoughts and feelings about it.  You should be warned that this is a very long post and I won’t be offended if you skip reading it.

t’s hard to believe that it hasn’t even been a week since the election because it feels like it’s been much longer than that.

I really started to tune in to election stuff during the Republican National Convention because that’s when we turned our TV back on.  As the days progressed, I was turning the news on more and more.  I watched every debate.  I recorded two evening news programs each night, and during the day I turned on a 24 hour news station to listen to while I cleaned.  I even read articles, or headlines at least, as I fed Thomas.  Soon I was turning on talk radio in the truck instead of music.  I became passionate about the choice our country should make and it was very clear to me that the success of our country depended on who won the election.

As Mitt Romney started doing better in the poles, I got my hopes up.  I wanted to believe that he’d win and that America would come roaring back from this recession that we’ve been in.  I knew that as long as he became president, our worst days were behind us and I could trust him to do what’s right for this country and for our economy.  I became convinced that he has the unique skill set to fix so much of what’s wrong with our government and that he was finally going to fix some of the things that no other politician was willing to touch.  I can’t deny that I was also excited that my candidate was a member of my faith.  A good and decent man whose values match my own.  We went to the same school (BYU) and we have the same amount of kids (5).  We grew up listening to the same sermons and shared so many similar experiences, that I felt like I knew him personally. 

I was so excited about election day.  I decided weeks in advance to let my big kids stay up and color maps because they were going to be there when the first Mormon was elected to be President of the United states.  I made Buckeyes for good luck because Ohio was THE battleground state that would decide the election.  I dressed all my kids in red because we were going to fill our electoral maps with red.  I printed out maps and set up a kid’s table in the living room.My stomach was all tied up in knots on election day.  I was so nervous and jittery.  I was so sure my guy was going to win, but what if he didn’t?  I didn’t know how I’d deal with it, but I didn’t allow myself to think about it too much because I was so sure he’d win. 

Since we live on the West coast, election results started coming in soon after the kids were out of school.  We had one event that evening, a dinner for Isaac’s soccer team at a local pizza place from 6:00-7:00.  By the time it was time to go, my map looked like this:No battleground states had been called and Romney was ahead with electoral and popular votes, but I was as nervous as I could be.  I could hardly drive because I felt so jittery and anxious. 

But everything fell apart during that hour at the pizza place.  There was a TV on in the room and although I couldn’t pay close attention, I could tell things weren’t going well for us.  I just wanted to be home to color in my map and make sense of the evening.  By the time we got home, the map looked like this:

At that point I was distressed but hopeful, there was no good news after that.  It all fell apart quickly and I couldn’t believe that Mitt Romney was losing.  We put most of the kids to bed, but I had already promised Isaac and Charlotte that they could stay up.  When they called Ohio, I knew it was over, but I wasn’t ready to accept it.  I wanted there to be some big surprise in the yet uncounted votes or for states that had long been colored blue to be red.  I was so upset that I had to clean.
I cleaned the floor.  I moved the couches to sweep under them.  I cleaned the playroom.  When it was clear that he wouldn’t win, I told the big kids to go to bed.  They were hungry, but I was so distraught that I just told them to eat something and go to bed.  I feel bad looking back at that night.  I should have helped them with a snack and tucked them in bed, but I was so out of sorts that all I wanted was to be by myself.  I was sick to my stomach and in disbelief.  Suddenly my future was so much less secure.  How much more damage could Obama do in 4 more years?  Was Zach’s job secure enough to weather this storm?  What about our plans to buy a house in Washington?  Would our house in Utah lose more value?  All of my confidence in the future for our country was shaken.  I went upstairs where Zach had gone to listen to results separately and I laid out all my fears and feelings.  I asked him about what happened in Greece because I knew that’s where we are headed.  I just felt horrible and I felt horrible for some time. 

I had a visiting teaching appointment scheduled for the next day and I didn’t know if I could handle it.  I didn’t want to leave the house.   I don’t know how long it took me until I felt like I could look up the message for the month, but eventually I felt like I could.  We were assigned to share a message from the October 2012 General Conference.  Admittedly I was a little sad that it wasn’t the one page predetermined message.  I started to read through the titles of the messages and the first one that stood out to me was Elder Uchtdorf’s message entitled:  Of Regrets and Resolutions.  I started to read it and remembered that I still needed to pack lunches for the next day.  So I moved my laptop over to the kitchen and listened to the talk while I packed lunches. 

As I listened, two things happened.  One was that I felt bad about how wrapped up I had become in this election.  I felt bad that I hadn’t spent as much time talking to my kids in the car or as we went about our day because I was listening to that news all the time.  I felt a little chastised.  The other thing I felt was excitement.  I was excited about the prospect of pouring my heart back into motherhood.  I couldn’t wait to sit on the floor with my kids and play with nothing on in the background.  By the time I was finished listening to Elder Uchtdorf’s talk, the sick feeling in my stomach was gone and I was able to go to bed after saying a prayer of thanks to my Father in Heaven.

I did wake up a few times in the night with that terrible feeling in my stomach that I knew came from the results of the election.  I considered getting up and listening to another conference talk, but luckily I fell back to sleep fairly quickly. 

Mostly I’ve been able to avoid feeling that sick feeling that I felt that night.  It’s easy to lose myself in taking care of my children.  There have been a few times when the thought and the feeling about the election have come into my mind and I know I’m not totally over it.

I’ve even found a few reasons to be glad he didn’t win.  I’m glad that Mitt Romney can’t be blamed for the mess that’s coming as more and more of Obama’s policies bear fruit.  Some of the things that Romney would have done to jumpstart our economy take some time (like energy independence) to show palpable results.  Based on the way that the media covered the election, I can’t imagine that they’d suddenly start giving Romney a fair shake and represent his presidency accurately.  I imagine that the media would have done their best to demonize Romney and destroy his legacy the way that they did with Bush and I would have a really hard time hearing them do that to a member of my faith.  My faith is more important to me than politics and I imagine that as the left demonized Romney, they would demonize my faith in the process. 

In the end, although I believe America made a bad choice, I’ve come to terms with it and my hope is that we can weather this storm and we can come out of it with more Americans opening their eyes to the need for a more conservative government.